"Today, I finally summed up the courage to ask my cat if she was a lesbian. The answer was inconclusive."
"
Dear Ikea dresser,
Please don’t break on me.
Love,
Me
"How can my family talk about this apparent sports team called the “Rai-ders” when everyone knows its the Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale Night!?!?!? #tableflip #helpme #theydontgetit #whatisespn"
"I maintain a list of people who have gotten fat."
"In the future, when I run for King of California, I’m running on the contraceptives platform: Where a condom today and in 16 years, the freeways will be less crowded. Let’s all do our part to keep the freeways as empty as your womb!"
"
I’m sensing a terrible trend developing: I can only concentrate on grading tests if I’m also keeping an eye on something in the oven. In the last two days I’ve made banana bread and brownies from scratch. This cannot continue indefinitely!
Hey, does anyone want to come over for a grading party tomorrow? There might be pâté à choux.
(Oh I hope I’m kidding.)
""Someone is having a great time with someone else or by themselves… Either way, I can hear it from my apartment."
"I am no longer a broke ass hoe!"
"You know how sometimes you can almost feel the thought bubble hanging over your head chock-full of “!???!??!!!???!?!???!??!"
"I’m not sure if I’m desperate enough for a partner if it requires me to look beyond his inability to properly use apostrophes."
"I always thought “scissor lift” was a lesbian sex maneuver, but apparently it’s a piece of construction equipment."
"already in bed on a saturday night with my retainer in. i have officially turned into a pre-pubescent grandmother."
"If I were a billionaire, I would buy Pinterest and shut it down."
"I still have trouble spelling Illinois, but it’s ok because there’s nothing important there."
"I don’t know what I like more from the Apple gadget porn. The iPhone 5, or Jony Ive in a deep v-neck."
