"Today, I finally summed up the courage to ask my cat if she was a lesbian. The answer was inconclusive."
"How can my family talk about this apparent sports team called the “Rai-ders” when everyone knows its the Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale Night!?!?!? #tableflip #helpme #theydontgetit #whatisespn"
"I maintain a list of people who have gotten fat."
"In the future, when I run for King of California, I’m running on the contraceptives platform: Where a condom today and in 16 years, the freeways will be less crowded. Let’s all do our part to keep the freeways as empty as your womb!"
"Someone is having a great time with someone else or by themselves… Either way, I can hear it from my apartment."
"I am no longer a broke ass hoe!"
"You know how sometimes you can almost feel the thought bubble hanging over your head chock-full of “!???!??!!!???!?!???!??!"
"I’m not sure if I’m desperate enough for a partner if it requires me to look beyond his inability to properly use apostrophes."
"I always thought “scissor lift” was a lesbian sex maneuver, but apparently it’s a piece of construction equipment."
"already in bed on a saturday night with my retainer in. i have officially turned into a pre-pubescent grandmother."
"If I were a billionaire, I would buy Pinterest and shut it down."
"I still have trouble spelling Illinois, but it’s ok because there’s nothing important there."
"I don’t know what I like more from the Apple gadget porn. The iPhone 5, or Jony Ive in a deep v-neck."